Lawyers v. Vampires
(what, there's a difference?)

by Maureen Wynn
Copyright 1997

Real-time, after filming, but before the Premiere
(comes after "Payback's are a B@#$% (part 2)" and "Snip!", and before "Code word - Goldfish")

Briinngg... briinngg..."Moriarity, Chicanery, Burke and Hare."

"Hi, Judy Beth, can I talk to Clark?"

"Oh, hi, Maureen! Long time, no see! Uh, oh, you're not in jail again, are you?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I don't need to be in jail to want to talk to my lawyer, now do I?"

"Well, no, but usually when you use that 'Ms. Professional' voice, it means you're in some kind of trouble..."

Maureen laughed, but thought, Hmmm, I'll have to watch out for that habit - I don't want to give anyone information about my state of mind inadvertantly. "Sorry, I guess I'm just in professional mode right now; I have contracts I need to finish up, and not a lot of time, and I also have a small problem that I need to deal with right away. Speaking of which, I really need to talk to Clark. Is he in?"

"Sure, let me connect you..."

(click) (pop), brriinngg!!

"Yeah, what do ya want?!"

"That's a charming way to greet a client."

"Hey, Maureen! How're ya doin'? Drumming up lots of business?"

"Enough to keep me busy. How about you - are the mercenaries I sent your way giving you enough business?"

"Can't complain. Weird contracts, though. I keep having to go back to my Contract Law and Torts books, to make sure that these things will actually hold up in court, if, gad forbid, it ever came to that."

"Speaking of which, I need you to look up one of my contracts to check something for me..."

" that's the long and short of it, Mo. I'm glad we were careful enough to put in that 'termination at any time by either party' clause on all your contracts. Nice little escape clause, that, even if I do say so myself."

"Yes, it does come in handy, you egotist - or is it redundant, calling a lawyer an egotist? Keep that contract close to hand; I may need you to back me up on it sometime soon. And I have something else I need you to do..."

"Sure, Mo. I'll call you as soon as I have all the pieces in place. This is going to cost you, though. It doesn't exactly fall under our "usual services" clause. Should I invoice it separately, or just add it to your monthly bill?"

"Add it to the bill, you bloodsucker!"

"Considering the company you've been keeping lately, you have the nerve to call me a bloodsucker?"

"With a lawyer, that's considered a term of affection! And, Clark... don't call me 'Mo'!"

She hung up the phone with a feeling of relief. If anyone could provide the services she needed, Clark and his law firm would. It's always useful to have a lawyer even more low and venal than a mercenary! she thought gleefully.

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